Nothing but emptiness
by Captain JaneRoad
Summary: My tag on "Night". No Malon, no one to pull Janeway out of her depression. Translation of my german story "In meinem Herz ist nichts als Leere".
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys, this is my second story in English. It actually was the first one I've ever written, so please be kind. And don't forget to review. I always love feedback, even if I don't understand it (like the one in Portuguese for _Home is where the heart is_ , but thanx anyway?). This first part and the second one are very short, they're some kind of two part prologue. But after that, the chapters will get longer.**

 _Kathryn's POV:_

Emptiness. Nothing but emptiness. That's all I see, when I look out of the window. No star, no anomaly, no starship, no nothing. Since we entered this region of space, blankness has become our, and my, permanent companion.

The morale is worse than ever during our voyage. We have exhausted more than half of our energy supplies. If that goes on, we will be stranded in a couple of weeks. I know that everyone on board has the same wish. They want to return home. But I know, too, that we will most likely never see Earth again.

And I know that it is my fault.

What is my life still worth, I am the one, who brought all this misery, grief and pain upon those people. They're good people, they deserve to reach Earth. But me? Who needs me, after all?

No one! I only waste their valuable resources.

I can't live with the debt, anymore. For these people, I'm no help anyhow, they'd be better off without me. One has to know, when it's over. In my heart, there's nothing but emptiness.

I turn away from the window. There, on the table, my phaser lays. It is so simple, I can end all this.

I only have to fire.


	2. Chapter 2

_Chakotay's POV:_

I wake with a start. 'A nightmare', I try to calm down. 'It was only a nightmare.'

But still, I can't shake off the bad feeling and the panic. The images have burned themselves into my mind, I can't get rid of them.

I still see her infront of me, her, the love of my life. She is lying in the floor motionless, her typically shining blue eyes staring into nothingness.

I have to see her, I have to know that she is okay.

Determined, I leave my bedroom.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Hey guys, now the chapters will get longer! The first ones were just the prologue._**

 ** _Thanx for reading and reviewing:-)_**

 _Chakotay's POV:_

One minute later, I am standing in front of her door. Somehow, I have a strange feeling about simply walking into her bedroom and invading her privacy. And what if everything's okay? What if she awakes? What if she throws me into the brig? But right now, I don't care. If I would be staying in the brig for the rest of our journey, I couldn't care less, I can live with that. I type in the security override.

It's silent in her quarters, almost creepy. I start to panic and run to her bedroom.

There she is, lying on the floor. She isn't moving. Her eyes are open, but without life. Just like in my nightmare. In her hand, she holds a phaser. I'm shocked. It seems like time had halted. I'm at her side immediately and search for her pulse. It's not there.

My brain understands: She's dead; I can't do anything for her. But my heart doesn't want to accept it. I call for the Doctor. "Chakotay to Sickbay. Medical emergency in the Captain's quarters!" The Doc replies immediately, but I don't notice in anymore. I don't notice anything around me. My thoughts circle around the woman laying here, the woman I love. I stroke her beautiful red-brown hair and get lost in thought. That's what I've always wanted to do. But now, knowing that it could be the last time…

Yes, I love her. Damn, I love her! When I first saw her, four years ago on the screen, it was love at first sight. I couldn't help but destroy my ship. It's also the reason why I integrated into her crew so easily, only to be with her. I've been admiring her from afar; she most likely never even noticed it. I've wanted to tell her how I felt, for years, but I was a coward. And now, it's too late. That thought gives me the rest. It makes all my dams break, I hold her lifeless body close to mine and cry. "Kathryn, please, don't do this to me! This crew needs you! I need you!"

After what felt like an eternity, the Doctor finally arrives. In every other situation, I would've been embarrassed, if anyone found out about my love for Kathryn. But as the Doc frees her of my embrace to examine her, I only care about her; it's her life that is at stake. The EMH scans her body with the medical tricorder, than he looks up to me. "We need to get her to sickbay, maybe I can save her there", he says. "Doctor to Transporter Room. Beam the Captain and myself to sickbay. Doctor to Lieutenant Paris. Get to sickbay immediately!" The urgent tone of the hologram worries me. Will he make it?, I ask myself. Then they're gone, vanished in the transporter beam, while I stay behind.

He has to be able to save her, he just has to. I can't imagine a life without Kathryn Janeway. They've been gone for half an hour and I still pace Kathryn's room. I have to go to sickbay; I have to know if she still has a chance. But I can't go, because I'm afraid of what might be. Chakotay, you damn coward! I can't imagine commanding Voyager, that's only due to Captain Kathryn Janeway. Without her, the ship wouldn't be the same anymore. My feelings are running high and I punch against the wall over and over again. Eventually, I can't do it any longer and collapse. "Kathryn, please come back to me!"

An hour later, I don't have any tears left to shed and decide to go to sickbay now. I can't bear the uncertainty anymore, I have to know. So I leave her quarters and head for the Turbolift. As I walk through the corridor, I don't even notice the passing crewmembers. The lift finally comes and I get in. With monotonous voice, I order the computer to bring me to Deck 5. The lift seems to be slower than ever, today. When I finally, after what felt like two hours, exit the lift, I rush to sickbay.

The Doctor is already waiting for me. "Ah, Commander, I was wondering if you'd got lost on the way." "Doc! How can you joke in a situation like that?", I snap at him. That makes his mouth corners fall. "I'm sorry; I just wanted to ease the mood a bit. I know, I'm a hologram, but this affects even me deeply." "Is…is she alive?", is the only thing I can croak out, then I burst into tears again. Doc's looking down, and then he recovers from the shock of seeing his superior cry and locks eyes with me. "I fear that her chances aren't good, Commander." Once I hear these words, the world collapses on me. I only realize that everything begins to spin around me, than I only see blackness.

Slowly, I open my eyes, the grey ceiling of sickbay above me. It doesn't make any sense. What am I doing here? At first, I'm confused, but then I remember. The nightmare. Kathryn. "Oh no!" I want to jump off the biobed, but the EMH stops me and talks insistently to me. "Calm down, Commander. You already had a breakdown because of the mental strain, I don't need you running around sickbay like a headless chicken. Stay in bed or I will sedate you." But I can't, I have to see her. "Please Doc, can you tell me something about the Captain's condition? Can I at least see her?" He answers my last question with a nod and so I rise and walk to the main biobed.

There she lies, the surgical support frame still up. Tom is analyzing a few monitors. Meanwhile, I have a closer look at her. Her normally pale skin is now white like snow; even her red lips are pale. Of course, the doctor notices my sad expression and tries to comfort me. "She was lucky that Voyager's energy supplies are low. The phaser didn't have enough power to kill her, otherwise she would be dead. She only made it by a hairs breadth." I look up. "She's…she's alive?", I ask. I can literally see how the EMH is trying to regain his composure. "What's up, Doc? What's the matter?" Somehow, he doesn't give me hope.

"Commander, I am sorry to inform you that the Captain…" His voice fails. "She is in a coma." At first, I don't know what to say, I have to take in those words, which seem so illogical to me. I'm shocked. But then, the words come out of my mouth. "Will…will she wake up again?" "The probability that she'll ever regain consciousness is vanishing low." These words are like a punch in the face. I have to cling on a console, because my legs don't want to function. My nightmare has come true. I look at Kathryn again. Even now, she's beautiful, she looks like an angel. I can't believe it. She was so strong; she was our tower of strength. When anyone had problems, she was there for us, we could lean on her. She was our rock, our backup.

What kind of horrible thing must have happened to throw her off track like this?


	4. Chapter 4

_**Hi y'all. Sorry for taking that long, but it takes a lot of time to translate that. Hope, that it'll be better with the next chapter!** _

_Chakotay's POV:_

"We have to inform the crew", the Doctor says, "we should really tell them." In my whole life, I would've never thought that I'd see a hologram almost cry. Our doctor is simply unique. But what he says makes my blood run cold. "You should announce it via shipwide communications. The sooner the better, Commander. Or should I say Captain, given the hopeless situation?" That was the final straw. Didn't that damn hologram realize how bad I already feel? How can he be that pessimistic? But I control myself and only throw him a glare.

I leave sickbay with a very bad feeling to head to my quarters. On my way, I still manage to hide my feelings, no one notices. I even greet the passing crewmen. Finally, I reach my quarters. My hands are trembling and I need like a hundred attempts to key in the code. After I've finally done it, I only manage a few steps into my room until I collapse on the ground crying.

To tell the whole crew, that their captain, the woman they owe their new chance and their lifes, is in a coma and will most likely never wake up again? No, I can't do that. I'm simply not ready to give up my hope, I can't help but cling to it. We have to tell the crew, but I don't know how, because it would be like saying farewell for me.

Once again, I realize, how the doctor had called me Captain. I don't want that rank! Kathryn is the only onr who is entitled to that. Kathryn, my Kathryn. Why? Why her? It is not fair, she is so good-heartet! She gave all of us a second chance, when we didn't even deserve it. If I could, I'd do a swap with her immediately. I'd rather be dead than live without her, because without her, my life is purposeless.

An image of Seven of Nine slowly makes his way into my mind. Yes, of course I noticed that she has been making approaches lately, but I blocked her attempts to close up on me everytime. What if I didn't fob her off anymore? Yeah, I should try to distract myself, it is hopeless and I can't stay alone for the rest of my life and mourn Kathryn. 'No!' I banish that thought immediately. How can I think about starting a relationship with Seven in a moment like this? How can I give up that easily? Kathryn will return to me, I can't - I won't - imagine anything else. I have to be strong. For her. Kathryn wouldn't want me to let myself go like this. So I make a decision. I will tell the senior staff during the Briefing.

Two hours later:

My courage from earlier has vanished. This is going to be difficult, I know it. But I don't want to be a coward, now. I enter the Briefing room quickly, the others are already waiting for me. They have very much to report, I've never heard more Nothing in my whole life. Once everybody has contributed to this - so far - very boring Briefing, I already know, what the next question is going to be. And I was right. It is B'Elanna, who turns to me. "Chakotay, how is the Captain?" I knew it, this is going to be very, very hard. "She...she..." Damn it, I can't do this! But B'Elanna only looks at me uncomprehending. "What? What's up, Chakotay?" I can only answer with a flat voice. "She is in a coma." They all look shocked.

Surprisingly, it is Harry Kim, who regains a bit of his composure. "How...how long since?", he asks, his voice shaking. I can understand him, Kathryn was - is - like a mother for him. I quietly answer: "I found her in her quarters last night." The next question almost throws me off my chair. "You love her, don't you?" I look up. Nope, that wasn't my imagination. Those words came from Seven of Nine. From all sides, I can hear agreeing mumbling, even Tuvok speaks out. "Of course. Everyone can see how you look at the Captain when you think that no one would notice. It is only logical to conclude, that you two are made for each other. It is odd, that you two seemed to be the only ones who didn't realize it." Wow, such a speech from Tuvok, who'd have thought that!

But it's hard to believe. They all knew, how much I love Kathryn, only she didn't? "Alright. I hereby confess, thatI'm in love with Kathryn Janeway, in fact, I have been for four years. The problem is, that she seems not willing to notice." "Just tell her." Seven again! What happened to her, she seems so...I can't describe it. "Yes, but how? The doctor doesn't think that she'll ever wake up again. It is too late." They all turn silent.

After I ended the Briefing, we go onto the Bridge and take over from the gamma shift. Nobody says a word, it's like sitting in a vacuum. There's nothing but emptiness in us, whereof the blackness on the viewscreen probably isn't totally innocent, too. The captain's chair is also empty. It has been for quiet some time, now, since Kathryn hasn't been on the bridge for a while, but now, it really feels empty, because we all know, that she'll maybe never return to us.

The days go by like months. In the mornings, we come to the bridge. Everyone takes over his station and then we all turn silent. After my shift, I go to sickbay, like everyday. I have to see her, otherwise my life wouldn't have any sense at all. I need something to encourage me. And that is my daily visit in sickbay. Most of the time, I simply sit there, sometimes, I also talk. I tell her about my dreary day, then. My shift ends at 1800 hours and I leave the bridge. Harry is in command of the night shift, I don't have to worry about the ship, I can go see Kathryn. By now, I am a daily guest in sickbay, which - of course - gets on the nerves of the doctor. But at least, it brings some routine in his - and mine - day. When the door opens a bit after 1805, he can be sure that it's me.

A few minutes later, I am on Deck 5 and the doors to sickbay slide open. But what - or who - I see, surprises me. On the chair, which the Doctor already put there for me, sits B'Elanna Torres, our half-klingon Chief Engineer. She is one of the few persons I'd never have expected here. Obviously, she's crying. I strat to feel guilty. All the time, I never noticed, that this situation affects all of us. I only thought about myself, how egoistic of me. B'Elanna probably wants to show strength, she wipes her tears away and starts talking. "You gave me a second chance, when no one else would have. Do you remember, at the beginning of our journey, when Chakotay wanted me to become Chief Engineer but you preferred Joe Carey? Justifiably. I was a half-klingon Maquis, who quitted Academy and couldn't control herself. I had given up, but you believed in me. You made me into a B'Elanna Torres of which I am proud. I don't know, who I'd be if it hadn't been for you. And I don't want to imagine that.

You are strong, you can do that. Please, come back to us, Captain. Please. We need you, especially Chakotay. This is so hard for him, you know? Did you know, that he loves you?" I watch Kathryn, hoping that she'd react somehow. In fairytales and movies, that always works.

A sudden beep fills sickbay, the EMH runs to Kathryn's biobed. He checks her vitals.

"I can't believe it! She's waking up!"


End file.
